The mysterious art of listening: The Gottman Method Approach to Better Communication

When Dr. John Gottman, leading couples therapy expert, is asked what couples fight about most, he says “Nothing. Absolutely nothing.” I see this in my practice every day. Couples argue over money, parenting, and housework, but more than anything, they argue over the tone of a comment - “You’re picking on me!” or “You didn’t really mean that ‘sorry’.” Over the years, I have come to realize that a key part of couples therapy is teaching the art of listening. Which seems odd, because it seems like it should be simple and intuitive. In reality, good listening is a complicated skill, one that can be learned with practice and dedication. Doing so can deeply enrich your marriage, and all your relationships.

Some key points: Focus on understanding the other person, not persuading them. The Gottman method of couples therapy calls on the work of game theorist Anatol Rapoport, who developed negotiation tactics in an effort to eliminate nuclear war. He concluded that the most effective first step is for opposing parties to restate their counterparts’ argument, demonstrating their understanding. People need to feel heard, and only then might they be willing to listen. People’s perspectives are often deeply-rooted, stemming from formative experiences and core values. Your partner who’s anxious about spending money might have grown up in a family shaped by poverty; they might want to go on that weekend vacation with you and want you to be happy, but they just can’t shake the need to have a certain amount of money in the rainy day fund at all times.

In Gottman-based couples therapy, this process is called “attunement.” Attunement means being curious about your partner’s feelings and experiences rather than rushing to fix, advise, or argue your own point. It involves softening your start-up, staying emotionally present, and asking open-ended questions like, “What’s been hardest about this for you?” or “Can you tell me more about what you’re feeling right now?” These small shifts turn conflict into opportunities for connection.

If you and your partner are struggling to communicate effectively, couples therapy can help you practice these skills in real time. Using Gottman Method interventions, I help partners slow down conversations, identify emotional “misses,” and build new habits of listening that create empathy and understanding. Over time, this deeper way of listening fosters not only better communication, but also greater closeness and resilience in your relationship.