Navigating the Holidays as a Couple: Gottman-Inspired Strategies for a More Peaceful Season

The holidays can be a wonderful time of connection, but they can also bring up stress—financial pressures, extended-family expectations, unequal division of labor, and emotional overload. When stress is high, even strong couples can find themselves more reactive or disconnected. With intention and teamwork, though, this season can become an opportunity to strengthen your bond rather than strain it.

Start with emotional regulation and healthy communication.
Financial pressure is one of the most common holiday stressors, and when anxiety rises, couples are more likely to slip into unhelpful communication patterns. As John Gottman notes, it’s crucial to “strike when the iron is cool.” Hard conversations go better when both partners’ nervous systems are settled. Use the Gottman Method’s antidotes to the Four Horsemen (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling), and lean on the gentle start-up: expressing your needs with clarity and kindness. When the goal is collaboration rather than winning, couples stay connected even in tough moments.

Create predictable rituals to reduce conflict around families and holidays.
Deciding whose family to visit—or how to split time—can be a major source of tension. Many couples find it helpful to create a plan that repeats each year so the conversation doesn’t have to be renegotiated from scratch. Gottman’s concept of Rituals of Connection is especially useful here. Rituals offer comfort and reduce cognitive load because they’re repeatable and grounding. Think of how structured traditions in many cultures, including Judaism’s mourning practices, help people move through emotionally complex times. Consistent holiday rituals can play a similar role for couples.

Stay united when navigating in-laws and family-of-origin differences.
Family dynamics, differing values, or clashing personalities can stir up conflict during holiday gatherings. A central Gottman principle is that partners must choose each other first. Prioritizing your relationship doesn’t mean distancing from your family—it means having your partner’s back, setting healthy boundaries, and not staying silent if a parent criticizes your spouse. The Gottmans often remind us that every marriage is a “cross-cultural marriage,” even when families appear similar on the surface. Differences in beliefs, traditions, and emotional norms are inevitable, and the goal is to blend them intentionally and respectfully.

Address the unequal holiday workload with fairness and intention.
Women—especially mothers—often carry the invisible labor of making the holidays magical: cooking, baking, decorating, buying and wrapping gifts, managing events, and maintaining traditions. This imbalance can create resentment or burnout. It’s important for partners who do less to recognize the inequity and step up deliberately. It’s equally important for partners who carry more to practice assertiveness and ask for help. It’s also worth reevaluating traditions: If sending holiday cards or baking elaborate goodies doesn’t align with your values or capacities this year, give yourself permission to let it go. Eve Rodsky’s Fair Play offers practical strategies for couples seeking a more balanced division of labor.

The holidays don’t have to be perfect to be meaningful. With clear communication, mutual support, and intentional choices, couples can use this season to deepen connection and reduce stress—creating traditions that feel good for both partners.