Discernment Counseling - help for couples in which one or both partners is “leaning out” of the relationship

Often couples seek therapy when they are on the brink of separation, and sometimes one or even both partners aren’t sure they want to make the relationship work at all. In traditional couples therapy, often the therapist kind of just tries to ignore this. The couple showed up, right? The problem is that often when we ignore that one or both partners are leaning out, our efforts to implement important changes are met with ambivalence - why should I make a difficult change (e.g., learn to manage my anger better or invest more in the relationship emotionally) when I’m not even sure I want this relationship? This is where Discernment Counseling can be extraordinarily helpful.

Instead of dragging one or both partners through therapy, a discernment counseling style approach involves taking statements that you are “leaning out” seriously. Before proceeding with therapy, we may take as many as four sessions to explore your ambivalence (mixed emotions). Without commitment, therapy can be a waste of time. During these sessions, we often meet individually for substantial portions so the person who’s leaning out can sort through their thoughts without the risk of hurting their partner’s feelings. At the end of each discernment-style session, we discuss whether you want to reschedule another discernment session to continue clarifying how you feel, whether you want to commit to a specific course of therapy (e.g., for 3, 6, or 12 months), or whether you want to pursue separation. Of course you can also always choose to stay in limbo, though I wouldn’t recommend it. If you commit to couples therapy, there is an explicit agreement that the threat of separation will be off the table until the agreed upon course of therapy has concluded. This helps both partners feel safe to really invest in treatment and the relationship. If you’re not sure that you’re even willing to work on your relationship, consider scheduling