Building secure attachment skills for healthier, more satisfying relationships

Attachment is the bond that is formed with caregivers in infancy, and research shows that it serves as the blueprint for all subsequent relationships. When caregivers are neglectful, critical, or overbearing, it can shape the way we feel about ourselves and how we show up in relationships, including those with lovers, friends, coworkers/employers, and our children.

Many of my patients have an insecure attachment style, meaning that they struggle to feel secure in relationships. This can take different forms. Some people have an anxious attachment style, meaning they have abandonment trauma and a fear of real or perceived abandonment. Others have an avoidant attachment style, which involves a fear of intimacy or being close to others. And some people have what we call a disorganized attachment style, meaning they have aspects of both.

Secure attachment forms when caregivers are attentive, present but not meddling or critical. They serve as a secure base from which to explore. Such caregivers coregulate with a child, sitting with her in her feelings without diminishing them, and also not trying to fix them. If your child drops his ice cream, you shouldn’t shame him. But you also shouldn’t jump to buy him another. Doing so sends the message that you don’t think he can tolerate the disappointment. We build resilience in our children when we allow natural consequences to take their course, empathizing with our child’s suffering (“It’s so disappointing! I would be really upset, too, if I dropped my ice cream!”).

Secure attachment involves an expectation that conflict arises in any relationship, but that both parties are likely to act reasonably and to show commitment to managing conflict. When confiding in a friend and she doesn’t seem to be getting it, instead of telling her off, we might calmly share that we’re not feeling understood, having faith that she wants to show up for us, but perhaps we aren’t telling the story right, or perhaps she’s having an off day. When we have an insecure attachment style, minor conflict can feel deeply threatening because we tend to worry that the relationship could end, or end us (with the avoidant attachment style, the fear is often of being suffocated by the other person’s emotions and needs).

I encourage people with insecure attachment styles to pay attention to how their securely attached counterparts behave. Think about people you know who have healthy, rich relationships, and try to channel their energy. Fictional characters on television and in novels can also serve as positive examples, e.g., Modern Family, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Schitt’s Creek). Securely attached individuals feel worthy of setting boundaries and have faith that others will respect them. They are assertive, striking a healthy balance between seeking their needs (no one else will put you first) and trying to maintain relationships. They are empathetic, making room for other people’s bad days without taking them personally and freaking out.

I also encourage people with insecure attachment styles to try keeping in mind that they have attachment issues, so that when they feel upset, instead of assuming the situation itself is the problem, they consider whether they might be projecting their own issues on to it. This can give a bit of critical distance that can free you from dysfunctional patterns. For example, if you’re part of a group of friends and learn one member has invited everyone else - but you - to a party, and you have abandonment issues, you might assume you are being intentionally excluded. If you appreciate that you have a tendency to see abandonment or rejection even when it isn’t present, you might be able to override that impulse to ask your friend if she meant to exclude you, giving her the opportunity to explain why if so, or to correct her oversight so that you and all your friends can enjoy yourselves.

Therapy can help you develop a deeper awareness of your patterns and learn ways to break out of them. By reflecting on your interactions and hurts routinely, patterns often begin to emerge, and a therapist can help you learn common issues that might help you better understand yourself. Your therapist can also be a helpful model for secure attachment, listening without judgment and working to repair your relationship should any conflict between you arise, acknowledging her mistakes without engaging in self-flagellation.