What’s a reasonable goal for therapy?
I’ve been reflecting a lot on an episode of the podcast The Ezra Klein Show (from the New York Times), “Why Does My Mind Keep Thinking That?,” an interview with the psychiatrist and Buddhist Mark Epstein. Epstein says that we expect too much of meditation – and therapy, and exercise, and other self-help activities. What he thinks is a reasonable expectation is greater awareness of our patterns and distance from them, greater light-heartedness. For about four years, I maintained a pretty robust meditation practice of 10 minutes a day five days a week. I did it because everything says you should, but honestly I could never see how it was helping me. But Epstein’s words resonated because the goal he describes for meditation is how I feel about therapy.
Epstein describes how meditation doesn’t prevent you from having feelings. Nothing can. But when you meditate regularly, you become increasingly aware of the characteristic feelings you tend to experience (e.g., shame, self-pity, grief) and that makes it a lit bit easier to tolerate them, because you have a sense that “This, too, shall pass.” You may be able to react to your emotions more effectively, biting your tongue before saying the resentful remark or overriding your exhaustion to laugh with your child. And when you don’t act the way you wish you would, you can be kinder to yourself, aware that everyone has struggles.
I used to think my duty as a therapist was to “cure” people, to help them find solutions to their problems. Over time, I’ve come to question whether that’s really possible. I certainly think people can improve – I see it happen every day – but I’ve come to view therapy as a more meditative practice, in which it’s important to show ourselves patience and get curious about the process itself and the many ways it can be creatively employed to help us grow. In graduate school we were taught that therapy is both an art and a science, and I love this framing. I am an evidence-based thinker, constantly learning more about research and employing structured treatments; and I love that my work encourages flexibility and critical thinking.